The Saracens Head Hotel

This isn’t really a hotel review - it’s a declaration of love. Like the love of a great aunt that turns up for Christmas, has one too many sherries, attempts political correctness but gets it slightly wrong, and then falls asleep during the king’s speech; staying at the Saracen’s Head is a deeply eccentric and quintessentially English experience. Other than being one of the oldest and certainly most historic hotels in England (King Charles I sought refuge here in 1646), perhaps the most notable ‘feature’ is the current legendary proprietor. He’s a very active and hard-working octogenarian, with a certain unique approach to hospitality. There’s a touch of the famed Torquay hotelier about him or perhaps a sober Withnail - still tragically battling the forces of fate and circumstance, in the clipped Received Pronunciation of a different age: “I seem to be running a hotel by accident, oopsie daisy.” Over the many years, as a frequent patron of the Saracen’s Head, I’ve come to always expect the unexpected. Just the simple act of checking-in can quite easily descend into a theatre of the absurd. I was once told: “There’s no hot water I’m afraid, army wash at the sink with a flannel and kettle, best I can offer.” I find my room and immediately run a bath - there’s plenty of hot water. Later, I pass-by reception and mention the hot water’s back on. “By Jove!” he says. “All fixed." Arriving one summer, he announces, “I won’t put you in room 7, full of wasps. You’re in room 17.” On entering room 17, I’m greeted by a swarm of wasps. Back down at reception I say, “There’s wasps in 17.” “Yes, yes” he says. “Wasps in 17 you’re in room 7, oopsie daisy…” For lovers of British farce, that end-of-the-pier style entertainment doesn’t stop there! I returned one evening to find a large handwritten note on the front door informing me - under NO circumstance - should I go to my room but instead, report to reception. “Ah yes,” he says. “Had to move your kit out earlier, honeymoon couple in your room now, mix up with booking, oopsie daisy…glad I caught you.” When visiting Southwell, I wouldn’t stay anywhere else.

Stayed here for one night on a work trip, beautiful old building. Excited to be upgraded to a really grand room with a four-poster bed, for only the third time in my life! Friendly staff throughout the hotel, also helping with the pronunciation of Southwell when I asked. Breakfast experience like something out of Dickens, in the nicest sense of the phrase. (Silver plate bird-feet sugar tongs). I found it all charming and refreshingly ungentrified: the sort of hotel that we'll all be sorry for when they're gone and there are just chain hotels left. Would recommend. (Do memorise where the four posters are when the lights are still on, or you'll regret it later at night).

Expected more from this hotel . The restaurant was decorated in the style of an old hotel and was pleasant enough but there was no meals availiable in the evening . At breakfast there was not enough staff on making slow service. Basic continental selection , cooked breakfast was basic quality ingredients cooked very averagely and not presented with any appealing look . Twin room was spacious enough but the lighting throughout the hotel is extremely stark and white casting shadows in all the wrong places making the mirrors difficult to see in . No central heating but a very rusty electric heater left in the room - no PAT testing lable on it. I am not a fan of net curtains which were throughout the hotel and not very white. Toiletries had been refilled with the incorrect item - shower gel or hand wash was in the body lotion container, again poor quality. Car park at rear good once you found it and very good location in Southwell . While understanding the need to keep costs down to run a hotel of this size, penny pinching by using low quality light bulbs and basic quality food does not give any appeal to the hotel and would discourage me from going again . Keys given for room and front door as no staff on reception overnight .